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My Menstrual Story

This is my personal menstrual story, from menarche to present day. Documenting the pivotal moments in my menstrual and personal development path, from my first memories of periods to the beliefs, attitudes and approaches I had picked up and let go of. This is what I have learned and how I have grown over the last 26 years as a menstruating woman.

Menarche (circa 1994)

Me dolled up for my year 10 formal in 1994 Year 10 Formal, 1994

My first period happened around the age of 15. As a late bloomer, I was actually waiting for it to happen and felt a sense of pride when it finally arrived! My mother, being the epitome of practicality, immediately showed me how to use a pad. No fuss or fanfare - it was a very neutral experience. My period itself was also fairly uneventful with no major complications or pains. However these years of life were the most traumatic of my adolescent years - it was during that time (for about 2 years) that I experienced severe exclusion bullying in high school.

Phantom of the Opera, 1994 November 1994

During my menarche years I was an outcast and had zero friends at school - an isolating and deeply painful experience which left long term scars in my identity, self esteem and self worth, stunting my social development as a teenager.

I experienced intense feelings of loneliness and depression and inevitably, in those tender maiden years, internalised the belief that I was at my core, unlovable. That the reason nobody wanted to be my friend was because something was inherently wrong with me.

This trauma was never addressed growing up. I never spoke to an adult (or my parents) about it, never had therapy (until Jan 2020 - a good 25 years later). So it is something I have only been actively working to heal in the last 6 years since embarking on my journey of personal growth. It was through my self development work and deep journalling that I realised I had formed the core belief that I was unlovable.

My practice of menstrual cycle awareness has helped greatly with this healing. I realised that the wounds from my maiden years were surfacing during my preovulatory phase (inner spring) - along with my inner critic. I often found that I'd struggle to embody that carefree playful maiden energy that tends to mark this phase of the cycle, and instead felt sensitive and vulnerable and at the mercy of my inner critic (which sounded more like an inner bully). But if I was intentional with self-care, I found I could manage these feelings by giving my inner maiden self what she needed. Things like: ensuring I move my body to get my energy flowing again, to remind me of what brings me joy, taking action on things that matter to me (despite the self-doubt), and journalling to process emotions and thoughts that may arise.

Emerging into adulthood (1997 - 2005)

My early 20s were an emotional rollercoaster riddled with deep insecurity, depression, weight gain and fluctuating hormones. Attempting to predict when my period would arrive was an exercise in futility.

Still very much wounded from the pain of my high school years, I was highly insecure and often paranoid about being left out of social circles and social events. But slowly as I ventured out and made new friends in university (and entered my first relationship) I started to discover my confidence and sense of self-worth.

I went through a few relationships in those years, mostly stable, except for one particularly tumultuous relationship where I experienced emotional abuse from someone who pushed me to the edge of sanity and from whom I (unfortunately) learned self-harm.

Celebrating my 21st birthday My 21st birthday - January 2000

But one of the most powerfully transformative things also happened in my early 20s - I signed up for dance classes at the age of 21 at the Sydney Dance Company. Learning to dance (jazz and hiphop) was like therapy for me and I became hooked. I loved it (and I was good at it). And.. I slowly learned to embrace my body, my femininity, my womanhood with confidence. I lost weight, became fitter and gained a bucketload of confidence (which was, in hindsight, somewhat superficial and conditional confidence, but an improvement nonetheless!) This second photo was taken just 5 years after the first photo above.

Intensive hiphop dance workshop weekender in 2004 Post intensive dance workshop - March 2005

On the pill (2005 - 2015)

I moved to London in 2005 and shortly after was put on the pill by the NHS. One of the reasons the pill had been appealing to me was because I had been struggling for the last 3 - 4 years with a bad case of adult acne. I had also started to investigate symptoms such as spotting between periods and they told me it would "fix" all these issues. Oh how I wish I knew back then what I know now about hormones. What I didn't know was that I was most likely suffering from estrogen dominance and the beginnings of PCOS. I should have looked at my diet, my stress levels and lifestyle habits.

August 2005 - about 3 months after arriving in London Acne scars very visible - August 2005

Instead.. I'd ravaged my cheeks with harsh treatments in an attempt to burn away the acne and ended up with scars (which are still ever so slightly visible today) and then just buried all my symptoms (and my natural cycle) with the mini pill.

Moving to London wasn't easy. I found it very hard to adjust to the culture, to make friends, and I was lonely and homesick. I went through many depressive episodes but never thought they were something worth geting professional help for. Even when I fell into old habits of self-harm.

A low moment - March 2007

All in all I had a pretty poor relationship with my body. I pushed her to achieve things in order to ease my emotional pain (and my ego). I was constantly in pain due to my stressful lifestyle, overwork and taking shortcuts with my body. I took painkillers like ibuprofen for long periods to get relief from unrelenting back and neck pain. Having any sort of menstrual cycle awareness was the last thing on my mind. All my efforts went towards achieving and looking the best I could with activities like dance, aerial circus arts and even yoga.

Contorting myself in aerial silks - 2015

I would only realise later that, as much as I loved doing these things, they had also become a crutch for my self-worth. A bandaid to cover the wounds of my maiden self. And that my confidence and worthiness were in fact conditional on these abilities and my looks. I didn't truly love myself. I was only ever "happy" with myself when I achieved something that looked great (and therefore gained validation and praise from others).

Portraying a fabulous me on a photoshoot - 2014

In 2015 I fell into a very dark place. The darkest since menarche. My world fell apart after a damaging break up that was completely my fault - and I was filled with unrelenting shame, guilt, grief and most of all.. self hatred. I realised just how alone I was in the world. It was during this time I also tried to change my hormonal pill to another - with terrible results. My emotions, already unstable at the time, went into rollercoaster overdrive. And yes, self harm was there once again as my fail safe. I guess it takes hitting rock bottom to have a "spiritual awakening" moment. The light that lead me out of this darkness was in the form of a google search where I discovered the world of self-development (and an amazing community of women) via a blog post on Stratejoy.com.

Finding myself - May 2015

Discovering Menstrual Cycle Awareness
(2016 - 2020)

In 2016 I discovered the concept of Menstrual Cycle Awareness after attending a workshop run by menstrual cycle awareness advocate, period coach and natural fertility teacher Claire Baker. As divine timing would have it, I had also recently come off the pill and had been put on the non-hormonal copper IUD (as emergency contraception, I'm embarrassed to admit... there was a lot of stress and drama in my life at that time and my pill taking discipline was somewhat.. lax). When the concept of MCA was introduced, I had such a huge lightbulb moment. It just made So. Much. Sense.

July 2016

But why had nobody ever taught me this before? Why was I only learning about this at 37 years age? As I practiced the tools learned in that workshop and explored the concept further reading books such as "Wild Power" and "Woman Code", I began to understand my body better. I began to listen to my body more. I began to tap into the power of my feminine being and cyclical nature. And I slowly began to heal.. my body, my trauma, my emotions.

Personal creative project on aerial hoop - October 2016

During these past 6 years I have continued my personal growth and self development through various coaching courses, books, podcasts and pages of deep journalling. And as I came home to myself, as I reclaimed my wholeness and joy, I became passionate about sharing this light and radiance with others. Sharing about menstrual cycle awareness, about living in harmony with and loving our bodies as women and finding our wholeness again. And this desire became even stronger when I turned the corner into a new decade - my 40s. I began to let go of my maiden self, my priorities shifted as I felt my body become older but wiser. I let go of the "crutch" I had created in my early 20s because it no longer served me.

My 40th birthday - January 2019

I also felt the desire to embody my mother energy - even though I had made a conscious choice to be child-free, I used this energy in other ways. To create, to birth creative projects and to nurture other women.

There has even been a kindling in the past year of my wild woman energy. I have felt it in my cycle as I realised that I felt most at home in my premenstruum (inner autumn), even as I realised I struggled during preovulation (inner spring). And this shift was reflected in my own life as I put my energy into discovering my voice, to speaking my truth and to being of service through teaching meditation & embodiment, creating a podcast and undertaking Menstrual Cycle Coach training.

Feeling radiant, inside and out - September 2020

If you are interested in discovering your own menstrual story and living in harmony with your menstrual cycle, I am taking on limited one-to-one coaching clients. Connect with me on instagram @FlowRadiance where I’m sharing my experiences and all things relating to menstruality, cyclical living and embodied self care.